Do you, like me, sometimes wonder whether there is a stop or pause button you can locate to create a wee bit more space for you?
Well these past couple of weeks have been that for me - it usually is at this soft time of year. I created a little space for a new breath... a wee bit of stop...breathe out...sense...slow and allow just a little more attention on what has been.
It points to one of the things I love about seasons.
I love seasons!
It might derive from the fact that I come from Melbourne - a city where some people say we have four seasons in one day!
It might derive from the fact that I was born at the point in the year where thanksgiving occurs (yes, it's coming up) and I get to be celebrated along with so many other lives...
And it might stem from the simple joy of loving the changes.
Yep. I really did say that. Loving change even though there are so many things I'd like to hold onto.
So now, here in the misty zone of autumns greys and haze I am taken to some of the rich goodbyes and reflectings on what has been and I create a space where I also come to nurture some new seeds in my creative heartspace before planting them into cherished ground for winter germinating and warmings...
So here are my pop up questions - arising from this moment of passing...
Are there aspects of your seasons past that you would like to revisit? Bless? Thank and acknowledge?
What aspects of the harvest would you like to acknowledge and take along with you, encouraging them to grow and be nourished?
Are there some new choices required that can only be made if there's a wee bit more space for you in there?
Is there something you'd like to release with more presence but you just can't find it?
Perhaps there are some energies that you've been holding onto, weighing you down, sticking you kind of in something that is totally beyond reason, slowing you in some undiscernible way? (way...weigh...interesting huh???)
A few days ago I was definitely in the weigh too squidgy zone - body weigh and mental way - heavy and not moving anywhere.
Kind of stuck and getting stickier by the minute...
Undefinable tears at waking is definitely not a sign of a promising day...
My beautiful friend asked me whether there was anything at all that I would like that would assist.
(Thank you beautiful one...)
Before I could stop myself and between some sobs I asked whether she would run my Bars...
I actually asked that!! You know sometimes in the despair of not knowing a girl really does ask for something that she does Know.
Well there and then she offered to run my Bars and within a very short space of time - less than an hour - I was free of a whole lot of stuff. It didn't require talking about, unpicking or understanding, disentangling or reasoning, story sharing or justifying. I lay down. She placed her hands on the Bars points and I eased into a different way of being... let's say that I woke up again that day and was no longer the person who had woken up crying.
There was nothing there any more that was creating the heavy and sticky stuff that you can't explain cos it was never real in the first place kind of thing....
Is she running my Bars every day? Well kind of.
We are doing an alternate day sharing with each other. The great thing about Bars is that when you run them for another your own Bars get run as well. You can also run your own Bars by touching the points and asking your body to run them AND we both enjoy the energy body processes that come from Access Consciousness as well and so we have been running them as well.
Each day something for the other is creating more for each of us.
I have alot to be grateful for...
And I am:-) ) ) )
I've been off radar these past weeks - in a kind of zone where the living and the dying meet each other, a space I have called a Space of Becoming.
I was taken to Australia as my beautiful mum finally left her body after years of being interred through a very long period of life with the condition known as Alzheimers...
It's not an easy place to write about because the language of words is limited by definitions and forms but I have been somewhere that exists on this planet and it wants to be spoken about...
It is an energetic place, a space really, a space where we can go beyond our emotional restrictions and rise in a way, to another way of perceiving...receiving...accessing our knowing and also our being.
Is this the same space where new beginnings arise as well?
The answer is Yes. It is an unconditional yes.
How do I know? My Mum told me so on a salt sea and warm windy afternoon on the northern coast of Queensland She gave me words - words that have never been spoken before to me and words that carried an energetic awareness of her, though she had never before spoken in this way. I wrote them down and they flowed in a way that was simple, clear and free.
She spoke of what creates and maintains Alzheimers in a way that was directly pointing to something we can each and all recognise and it is this that I wish to share with you. It's a gift for the living when the dead convey freely what it is they are aware of from another realm of existence.
You might ask why I would wish to share such a personal and intimate experience such as this and I simply say - it is no longer personal when it points to something that we each experience. She gives us pointers to glimpse a way of living from greater consciousness. I never knew her in this way but apparently she knows something about this now.
I was blessed to be able to run her Bars and also several different Body Processes over the occasional and infrequent visits to her bedside in Victoria, Australia. There was always, but always, a shift that was palpable...a relief and a lifting of something. Others with her recognised the shift too - this was lovely though never required. Sometimes the door seemed to open and a real glimmer of possibility emerged from her direct gaze at me or another. and then she would sleep and rest in a different way...deeply.
Here is the link to the gift she brought through to me. It is for us all - directly pointing to the choice to not engage with the avenue of regret or remorse or even of backward gazing through the haze of longing...
Southern Great Barrier Reef. Looking out to the Keppels…
The sea sweeps the vast shore and the waves kick up stories that she has spoken of or inferred or simply transmitted through her divine like lightness of being… Over the years I was able to osmose …sense… the many pleasures that she experienced here in this placeof her growing.
I am brought straight to the top of the highest point and I walk down clutching Red Ted - a soft bear that was clutched by her through night and day in the many years of incarceration through Alzheimers - and my laptop that simply plays the music of a Space of Communion like a long-lost accompaniment to a great friend.
I find myself stood on a central hearth, an altar of friendship that has been expressed by those who endured and remained in constant awareness of a time during the 2nd world war when this place was the home base to a large squad of soldiers from the US forces. They were the soldiers of the 41st battalion.
I am with her again as she conveys the warmth of these times through the gratitude that is expressed through these plaques. They speak of a tangible, an actual period of time that brings me to her youth and my own – the own that sucked in the stories and lived them over and over. The love that was touched and fanned and tantalised, the laughter and the heroics, her kindness and grace and her joy in stepping out with a new and wider fan base. These men opened her doors to a wide world that teased and taunted her burgeoning sexuality and her delicious flirtatiousness as well as the potential terror of the war sitting close by as though in her lap. It is raw and it is vulnerable and it is enlivening to all her senses. She tastes the salt of living and it makes her thirsty for more.
Mama – what is it that I can do for you from here?
It seems now that the following words are given to me through the energy that is my Mum though this is a new frequency – one that I cannot say that I experienced directly whilst she was lived in her body.
There are many who came onto these shores and the throwback in generous, way beyond your and my years. The cost has been high – a cost in cognition and consciousness and one that is created through the disconnect from the rootedness of being with one’s place of knowing…
There is a place of the grieving that has strong men weeping and small children ever sleeping. It is the place of unknowing and un becoming…a lost-ness that creeps into the bones and locks out a pulse that simply lives through the sweet soft marrow
Whilst you hang on to the haze – whether at the forefront or the back cupboards of oblivion - it lives as a lure, a silent and deadly lure to entice and enthral a kind of sadness that shuts down vital essence of life.
Many have tasted it and fall in love with its hypnotic gaze…. dazzling and seductive in the most whispered way this seduction lives as though by secret proxy, a place recognised as a heroic gesture – a love lost, a parting of such sweet sorrow, a longing and luring back, always back, to something that has been won and lost and never to be returned. Whilst the taste of this memory continues to be sweeter than the moment, any moment, it acts as a hook into the dizzying space of nowhere at all…the space of the other world that one is never given total and complete access to.
This is not the same space as presence and awareness – these have a different life force, a different quality of vitality. They simply generate more of the same – aliveness and clarity. Dear one – my daughter. You owe nothing to the many who are caught and seduced in this ever web like veil of seduction. Be not lured by it any longer and please cast off the nets from the gaze across the shores of your own becoming…look not to this space where the understanding entices you – the wish to recover those lost is not yours to complete. Allow it to end for you, only you, with this sweep of the shore. There is no life here and there will never be. Be awake my lovely heathering one. Awake to the multitude who wish to communicate through many means. Punctuate your new life with a wakefulness that no longer mourns the dead or the unborn but one in which each moment is a dance and a question, an open door to creation with all of the life forces that are present to your every expression and wish. Dot the I’s and cross the t’s and keep choosing to wake more fully. It is more than I can convey to you through words what it is that you are in the constancy of creation with. Be not a hero or a heroine, be not a martyr or a slave to another. Be commensurate with the rising sun and the morning birds – these are your truest gauges of how to live.
Wake up each day and each moment. Wake up more fully and breathe in a way that laces your very being with the delight of gratitude. This will be an ongoing gift to me …
and you owe me nothing.
As to my ashes there are some to whom it is important. To me it is not. I will convey to you the way and the spaces as you enter into a night tonight….be not troubled by them. You did me proud and you did me well. Thank you beloved daughter mother sister aunt dear…
I am of the sea and with the sea
I am of the wind and with the wind
I am of the sand and with the sand
I am of the light and with the light
And shall ever be
You chose a good body. Mark it well with attention that rewards and nourishes. Live my daughter as though you have never fully lived before and you shall know the sweetness of laughter as though a tonic for a heart that shall need not ache once more.
I loved your father and he loved me well. Let it not be necessary to ponder or muse upon your parentage…you are more than all of us brought together. A composition of joy and wonder. A daughter of the Earth and gift to us all.
Let the wind carry me away and we shall weep no more.
I call upon those who would wish to come with me that they shall occupy you no more. I call back to the ashes of the many, the memories of lost and yearned for spaces and we release the bindings and unfulfilled promises from each other and the many others as we become truly like a breeze and lifted to the air. Let there be no one who lingers any longer between the veils of lost-ness and grieving.
It is done.
It is done.
Weep no more. Hold onto nothing…not even yourself.
The moment will be clear and light
As I walked away from the place of the writing my eyes alighted on five small newly planted sea pines – the kind that the Australian coast loves…There they had been all along protected from the strong winds in that exposed landing by a strong layer of polythene…
I approached one, knelt down, touched the coarse fronds and caressed them as I introduced the idea to the one representative of the five.
“Hello trees…I am Heather…”I whispered to this young life form who had witnessed my brief visit there…
I wonder whether you would like to receive the body of my beautiful Mum as a contribution to your life? Would you like to take her bones into yours and have them nurture and feed you as she did me? My fingers moved to lift the plastic and I touched the soil at the roots, pulling away some of the grass that was covering the soil, all the while listening, aware and awake to the energy of a clear yes or no coming towards me.
It came clearly – in the way of least resistance. That’s really where yes lives.
I went to the car and collected her box and a using a spoon I was able to lift the lid, prising it away from the seal and opening this most sacred new ground, new earth from old.
And there in the dark of evening light, with a wind that was warming to my very being, together with my mum, we brought about a union, a kind of wholly communion, of life and death.
Five trees said yes to receiving the body of life of the woman who gave me life.
She was called Bern
And she did.
Songbird and I have just returned from a truly wonderful six day in Budapest where we went for a three-day Access Body Process Class. Over the years, I have been learning to gift and have been receiving these processes one or two at a time. Upon first learning about this particular class with Kacie Crisp my whole body leaped at the video as I watched it multiple times ... my energy levels soared. There was no arguing - Hungary had always been a destination yes but this was not what I had imagined would take me there! The class had its own energy and called loud and strong.
The whole experience was quite simply profound. Kacie Crisp took us on a five day ride that covered money, bodies and showing up in the world. We are both still present to the constant ripples of change occurring as we continue receiving the class and run the processes on our bodies. I have a sense that I will continue to experience the gifts of this choice throughout my life.
How is that choice showing up just five days later?
Aware that there is an inherent danger in using words to express that which is beyond words I shall write from the energy of being that is available in this moment...
I have an awareness of my body and my choices coming into a greater sense of 'un-holding'...a kind of energetic expansion with all that I am with. It seems that everything is being addressed and dealt with from a new space. Moving ever more lightly through immense outer changes (house moving for one) whilst being exquisitely awake or receptive to every moment that requires attention.
We spent our last few hours in Budapest in open winter sun at the delicious outdoor baths Szechenyi...(My body absolutely demanded that we go there before leaving – even to the extent that I would forgo a much-desired visit to the famous Central Market Hall.! It's true to say that the wish to visit a food hall was no longer top of the list for my body...)
Once chosen everything was possible. Time and space no longer a limitation we moved effortlessly through Metro to park to waters and sun. For only one and a quarter hours I sat, stood and gently swam in the quietly bubbling waters asking my body to have everything she required from that ancient pool of mineral wealth from the earth. . .Sensate deliciousness... and greater communication from body to being...
It followed that our journey homewards through public transport of every kind was effortless and ease filled even upon encountering tremendous detours and delays on the M66 when driving home.It seemed we were not returning the same way we had left!
This work changes things and is mostly experienced through the changes in how I and you move through change! Less resistance at every level. I cannot be definitive about anything - there is no cause and effect through these tools. They create a greater capacity for us each to live from our original language - that of the Energy of Being.
We spent our last few hours in Budapest in open winter sun at the delicious outdoor baths Szechenyi...
(My body absolutely demanded that we go there before leaving – even to the extent that I would forgo a much-desired visit to the famous Central Market Hall. Everything became possible. Time and space no longer a limitation we moved effortlessly through Metro to park to waters and sun). For only one and a quarter hours I sat, stood and gently swam in the quietly bubbling waters asking my body to have everything she required from that ancient pool of mineral wealth from the earth. Sensate deliciousness... and greater communication from body to being...
Apart from now being able to bring these energetic body processes to others we are both very inspired by how they are allowing more of our lives and work with sound to be integrated more fully with the body. The 'how' of that is something that we are constantly in the space of learning and becoming more aware of ... like everything, it is through the willingness to choose it that it begins to show up. The dance of Creation and Creating is alive with this level of inquiry -it is not always cognitive, it is always happening and it can be highly chaotic within the process of organising itself into something new.
This morning Gabriella played a bowl to me as she often does during the forging process...a bowl coming into its most coherent self is one that invites many questions...what is required? More fire? More hammering? If so what kind? Does it require something other than the forge? Is it something from another? The earth? Is there something that I am being asked to do or be that can make the difference here? and so on. It is a living engagement with the metal, the tools, the person who has called the bowl forth, the wider sensing into the being that is in the becoming - the bowl itself and its unique 'homespace'.
What arose this morning was a new level of receptivity to perceiving sound. Through a sustained and gentle playing of the bowl I stopped seeking an answer to her question - is it done? My body as a sense organ with its own response system started to show me that the bowl was inviting me to something that I Knew but had long forgotten...senses numbed or dulled to this aspect of fine tuning.All words and thoughts dropped away and I became aware of a distant space - one that is always present but unreachable from my trying to reach for it. There, just on the other side of what?
It became clear - like a moment of light shining upon a place not oft seen but always sought. In a flash I recognised that the difference was that I was receiving the sound through my body and not my ears. Yes I could 'hear' it but the listening was happening through Gabriella's engagement with my receiving it. We had, like new lovers, lost ourselves in the exquisite space of presence beyond judgment...a space where there just is that moment.
In those moments I was aware of my relationship to all things...open to the earth and the minute and grand forces that are continually dancing the same dance.
It is a constant pulse and orgasm of the unknown becoming the known and falling away as we open to receive, gift and engage with each of these moments.
Here in this place called home , whilst present with a bronze singing bowl I am face to face with the creation forces of this incredible planet and I am free of my mind...it is sublime and alive and cannot be held onto.
What I know is that I have had experiences like this before - many energetic transmissions and perceptions, transforming experiences that allow me to visit the great depths of sensorial experience.What was different this morning with this utterly beautiful singing bowl is that I did not have to leave my body to fetch the 'information' or the 'download' from a source outside of myself. My beautiful body, co-creative partner in life and living, was the enabler for what I received and perceived.
This is new for me.
Until this moment I had always 'thought' that being in my body during a sensing experience of this kind would be restrictive, create a limitation to my capacity to tune in. Until this morning I had expected that my body would only contribute through the visceral, the physical, the tangible aspects of the senses - touch, smell etc.
What I experienced this morning was new for me.
My body is capable of bringing me more information than I could have ever imagine with my mind. Just because she is physical - mater - does not mean that she can only perceive the physical realms. She can bring me the universe if that is what I ask for.
This is new for me and I am enjoying the wonder of it without going into the state of awe and leaving, or ex-ing her again.
Body will you show me more of your magic please?
Universe will you show me more of the wonders of creation through having a body?
So everywhere and anywhere that you might have created a limitation to what might be possible through having or being 'in' a body would you like to change that...experience something different?
It's a simple tale - one in which I share the experience of being with two different elderly women both of them mothers of mine ...
It's also a tale in which these mothers experience an energetic body process called the Access Bars ...
It's also a tale about what is received by us all as witnessed by me...I tell it without conclusion but because to me there are remarkable moments. If you, dear reader, find the telling dry, somewhat detached, it may be so. I make no apologies about that - in fact it is the opposite. It is the gift of detachment from the immediate availability of flooding emotions that is more usual in such situations that has me appreciative of what has occurred.
The first mother - my own birth mother - has been living with a continually declining state of brain function since the diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's Disease nearly 14 years ago. She continues to live, albeit qualitatively diminished, in a totally dependent state in a care home in Victoria, Australia. This visit was my first with her for nearly six years. The distance that such a period of time can create between visits can be challenging in some situations but with this condition there is some comfort in the knowing that time is one of the structures of this reality that becomes a casualty through the mental decrepitude that exists within dementia. Any concern and regrets I had envisaged or created about not having been physically with her slipped into a vast chasm... it was extraordinarily special to simply be with her there and then.
This was all that was required. For this time we were together - in the body.
As part of our first reunion I ran my mother's bars. This entailed gently touching specific points on her hear and allowing the energy to 'run'. It is not a difficult process to learn and I find it to be an incredibly relaxing and generous experience for both the recipient and the giver. It is for me most often experienced as a deeply meditative state and one through which the relief of a quiet mind emerges with ease. This was the first time that I had created the opportunity to gift my mother this body process. I have been a practitioner and a facilitator of The Access Bars for nearly three years. They have contributed hugely to the changes that have revolutionised my life.
At first and for quite some time during the session the energy was very subtle - holding the points did not seem to be creating the 'usual' sense of gentle pulsing or vibrational contact. And then there was the most remarkable moment when she had a huge release through a series of yawns... a release of some kind. My Mum, or at least her body, seemed to be responding to the releasing of electrical energies that clog up the neural pathways. It was as though contact was being made between ground control and a distant satellite station.
hat I absolutely know is that at the end of this first session my Mum not only recognised me but reached through her impossible strictures and knew me for all that I be.
There are few words that can be found to express the depth of gratitude I experienced in these moments....and as I write today.
The gift of having my Bars run is always a greater sense of space...an easing of constriction in the head that most of us have come to recognise as 'normal'. To take the words of Joni Mitchell's song, "...you don't know what you've lost 'til it's gone..."
If another person experiences the relief that I do then I am grateful and rewarded. To have witnessed the subtle but evident shift for my mother at this time was a joy/fulfilling and satiating experience I had not realised I had been hungering for.
Was that how she also experienced it?
During the following visits i asked her body if she would like Bars again and also different body processes . It was beautiful to be able to sit with her in a kind of communion, a state of ease present through simply running the processes that her body was asking for. She is completely silent in her dementia - she has not spoken for many years. There is sometimes the sense that she is communicating through touch also she appears to respond to different kinds of music and tonal speech patterns.
I did not seek repair or healing of her dementia from our days together although I did experience that myself. Through being present in silence, beyond our stories, and through the gifting and receiving of these energy processes there was a great deal of releasing and shedding of the need for anguish and emotional intensity.
Some weeks later I am once again in London. I visited my other mother - this one through marriage. She is in the last stages of her life and asking for release from her body. It hurts. She has lived the last five years without leaving her one bedroomed home in central London and she has done so with vast amounts of grace and peace. She asked for Bars and it was not possible to sit at her head so I sat by her bed in the wonderful state of communion with her body that is possible through Bars and I asked her body to run the Bars without my being able to touch the actual points.
(She had had her Bars run several times before. On one occasion in the past she described the effect as "It's more like a limitless place or even space now... No edges except where I put them. ...I suppose that's where they always have been but I never realised it in quite the same way." )
At the end of this tender session my mother in law opened her eyes sparkled a little as she asked for some food - two slices of soft goats cheese. She hadn't eaten for days...her body had not asked for anything until this moment. I shall never forget the sensory pleasure I witnessed her whole being open to as she savoured the tiny bites, allowing taste and texture to be fully experienced. Her presence in the moment was a profound gift to me...each moment of her life that was only days from coming to an end was being lived in full consciousness and heightened awareness.
I could write for days on end of the tender presencing that we each lived during the following ten days. Each moment laced with the recognition of the utter privilege of the intimacy that was being offered me in this relationship with one who had been my mentor, my friend, my nemesis and my shadow through more than twenty years in this life time...several thousand in others? What transpired was a series of days that were seamless and beauty filled. I was awake to her presence constantly and never once resisted the situation I had chosen. I knew without doubt that my awareness would inform me how and what to do for this dying woman. Vulnerabilities and concerns were never resisted as we each allowed our bodies to inform us as to what was required. I recall that she said to me, "it's as if your body knows what mine needs before I do and then I don't have to think about asking...what a gift."
Just saying that I really would not have been open to this experience in years past. It had always been hugely challenging to be with my Mums in one way or another... I was a master of resistance.
What I know is that using the access tools has created so much change in my world. What showed up during these incredibly tender and awake full days of being in the field living with death was more than I could have ever imagined possible in the realms of beauty and gratitude.
Yes thank you. I am grateful.
I write from a most beautiful and peace filled landscape of The Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. There are three large turkey vultures swooping and circling at a high altitude and a constant presence of frogs and cicadas filling my audible landscape. The colours are as you might expect for this time of the year - crisp golden, greens and reds with a bluer than blue sky reflecting in the lake upon which I am gazing between sentences.
This very particular place has been named Bridge Between the Worlds and it is without any doubt an accurate name for the field that has been co-created here by my friend, Margaretta McIlvaine.
Over the past twelve or more months of my life I have had the incredible fortune to have travelled widely, following some of the invitations that come towards me and Gabriella that encourage us to bring our work/ gifts into the wider world. Sometimes I metaphorically pinch myself and ask questions - questions that are filled with the awe and wonder of a child in love with the Earth. There is sooo very much to be grateful for - awe inspiring beauty and wave upon wave of total appreciation for being in a position to say yes to a way of living that seems to create more of its likeness...I wonder - is that the secret of living?
What else can I bring into the world that would allow more of this wonder and beauty to be available for more beings?
This past week has seen me meeting with people who are creating incredible places of sanctuary for land, animals, nature and people...
Here at Bridge Between the Worlds there is a luminous atmosphere arising from the woods across to the shore of the lake...am I the watcher or the watched I wonder as i gaze upon the light that seems to invite me to another dimensional reality in a blink, the space between the trees beckoning me to notice...space.
What a gift it is to be exposed to and to be aware of the space that is found in stillness. A year ago I would not have reckoned it possible that so much ease could be found in being with other people most of the time, place to place and always engaged in the joy of companionship and meetings with other beings - two legged or other!
One day this week whilst spending time at a horse rescue retreat I was blessed by an intimate experience with a mare called Willow - an encounter that I had not anticipated, had always hoped for but had never encountered or expected. Dropped down into my heart and free of any sense of fear I was able to be completely present with this warm nosed and breathed equine stranger...total presence with another sentient being.
What has made the difference?
It is without doubt many things. I could name all those I am aware of and still I would be diminishing or limiting what has actually shown up. The vast and deeply benevolent universe always provides me with what it is I ask for and even require...I have always been blessed with the great fortune of knowing a deep well of well being at the very essence of my being.
The difference these days though seems to be that I am more able to receive life for its every nuance - from those that are tinged with joyous fulfilment to those that are steeped in uncertainty and hesitation...even the rare moments of sorrow or remorse. These days I see them all as aspects of life that are simply colours of a stunningly radiant rainbow - ever changing and always fascinating. I am deeply grateful for all that I have and all that I experience. I am not unaware of the privilege and the gift.
I have been given access to a greater space for being...